A few years ago I was at a Youth With A Mission leadership conference in Chico, Cali. At the time, I was pregnant with my oldest son Elijah, excited and ready to enter the world of motherhood. I couldn’t wait to meet the little person growing inside me and to enter into a new season in YWAM with a family.
At the conference we had really great speakers, amazing times of worship and corporate intercession. I was getting so energized and equipped for the upcoming season. My husband and I were going to lead our first Discipleship Training School and we were so excited about the call God had on our lives to be full-time missionaries. The responsibility he was giving us to disciple young people and to continue to build our young YWAM base was great – and we were honored to be able to work with the Lord in this way.
During the worship times in Chico, there was a call to lay down our lives for the Lord. This happens often in our mission. When you are a disciple of Christ, laying down your life and rights should be an every day act of the heart. We often have corporate times of laying down everything before the Cross and saying once again, “Here I am Lord, send me.” I have had several key moments in my life that stand out to me from these times.
Once God had me lay down my right to a home. I had to give up my “right” to have a home that I could arrange the way I wanted, decorate the way I wanted, live in the way I wanted. At the time we were living in community with two other staff and it was a big deal to me to give up those things and learn to live in community. It is a lesson that has carried over into many parts of my life today.
Another instance was after I had Elijah. My husband was to go on a pastoral visit to our DTS team in Rwanda, Africa. Africa is my heartland. I love it and want to return so badly, so it was difficult for me to lay down my right to go with Will. We were concerned about malaria with our 5 month old, so we opted that I needed to stay home with him for the 10 days Will would be gone. That was heartbreaking for me to do! But I did it, and God blessed me with an amazing time with my son and the strength and grace to manage our home while Will was gone.
This time in Chico was different, though. They were calling us to lay down our lives – our LIVES – meaning, being willing to die for the Kingdom of God, and for the first time, I had to pause. I had another little person in my life to think about. This wasn’t just me anymore – if I died, it would affect my son. More than that, laying down my life also meant laying down the lives of my family. My husband and I knew we held each other with open hands, that if God took either of us away, we would eventually be OK with that. But what if God took my child away? We had previously miscarried one pregnancy very early on, and that was difficult, but what would it be like to lose a child you have already held, that you have watched grow, that you have loved and seen personality in? I couldn’t do it.
I think it took me over an hour of wrestling with God before I could lay down the life of my son to Him. It was a gut-wrenching hour of pleading with God – please don’t take him away, how would I survive that? – please don’t ask me to do this – please God – I can’t do this – please. I imagined the loss and grief I would experience, I imagined every worst-case scenario of what the death of a child could do to me, to my marriage. And I imagined what it would to do me if I held bitterness and resentment towards God in my heart because of that loss. I saw the deterioration of my life, my soul, the hopelessness I would live in. I saw the effect that not only the death of my son would have on my marriage, but essentially the death of myself as well as I let the pain and suffering eat at me from the inside.
And then God spoke to me. He reminded me that He will never give us more than we can handle. He reminded me that He will never leave me or forsake me, that He is a giver of good gifts, that He is my Rock and my Shelter – in Him I can put my trust. He showed me that He has good plans for my life, for the lives of my children and my children’s children. He reminded me that my children are above all, His children. He showed me that He is enough – even if I am to lose a child – His grace is enough for me. He showered me with His grace, His mercy, His love – and I let go.
There was a rush of relief and freedom when I was finally able to lay down my life and my family to the Lord. Relief that I wouldn’t have to do this alone, that God will always be with me no matter what. That He will be with me as I raise my children, and He will be with me in times of loss and grief. Freedom in that I wasn’t solely responsible for the safety of my children. How can I be? There will always be things that I can not protect them from, thankfully I can trust my Heavenly Father to watch out for all His children – including mine! It was an amazing moment of revelation and joy when I was finally able to let go and give it all to Him.
Today I have two boys- Eli will be 3 this week, and Liam is just over 1 year old. I still have to give them to Jesus everyday. I still choke back sobs when I think of losing them. I still get tears in my eyes when I think of that day in Chico four years ago, but I know that deep down, somewhere in my heart of hearts I know – God has my boys in His hands, and there is no place I would rather them be.
(Author’s note: I don’t believe that God viciously takes people away from us. I do believe we all have numbered days, but I also think that Satan steals from those days at times – and this God allows. So while God wouldn’t actually be taking my son or husband away – I believe He would allow that to happen even if it wasn’t His best plan for our lives. He is a redeeming God and would make good even from a horrible event like that.)
